I was a pediatric ER/Trauma nurse working on a travel assignment in Pittsburgh when I was caught diverting medication. After I was confronted by the director of the emergency department, I was immediately released from my contract, asked for my badge, and escorted to the door.
Looking back, I realized I could have died. They should have held me in the hospital-or at least offered me some kind of resource to help me address my addiction.
But they offered nothing.
The problem with addiction is that it is viewed as a moral deficiency instead of a disease. If I was diabetic and was diverting insulin and was in DKA, would they have treated me the same way? Absolutely not.
I received no support from the hospital. I lost my position immediately and all health benefits were terminated. Rehabilitation was dependent upon what I could finance. On average, rehab can cost anywhere from $5000-$30,000 per program-and that was more than I was able to pay. I had to turn to my family for help.
The hospital was completely negligent in how they handled my situation, just because they had bought into the stigma.
Jail Time
When I walked out of jail on July 13, 2004, I had a trash bag with my personal effects from when I was arrested. I had no home. The clothes I had on were sagging, because I had dropped 20 pounds in jail. I had no driver's license and, most devastating, no nursing license.
I had nothing.
But what I did have was a second chance and hope that the best was yet to come. I promised myself in jail that the addiction would end and I would never live another day in regret. I'd go back to school; I'd recover my license.
And that's what I did.
Before the Board
In March of 2006 I was given the right to practice nursing again, and I will never forget it. It was a battle hard fought.
During my hearing there were over 60 nursing students present, while all the dirty details of my crimes were put forth for public record. However, if it raised the awareness of just one of those student nurses it was worth my humiliation. It has taken me years to work through the shame and guilt of what I did and how I ruined a career I loved.
Nursing after a Felony
I gained back my license after lots of documented AA meetings, working with the voluntary state monitoring board for impaired health care professionals, performing random urine screens, working with a sponsor, getting treatment, attending aftercare-doing it all one step at a time.
I currently do not work in a hospital because I've been barred from working in any facility that is funded by Medicare (Medicare forbids convicted felons from work). So that narrows down my options significantly.
In May of 2010, I will graduate with a Bachelor's degree in health administration and policy and will be applying to grad school to pursue a Master's in public health. I may even focus on policy, because a lot needs to change in the way health care handles nurses' addictions.
We must abandon the secrecy that hides an epidemic that no one talks about but costs the healthcare profession thousands each year. We need to stop hiding. If we don't support our own colleagues, what are we doing to our patients?
Now that's the real crime.
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February 25th, 2009 at 1:12 am
Well, I am very happy for you that you are recovered, and I certainly commend your efforts, but I disagree with you on this. Obviously those that have drug dependencies should not be in a position to handle medications meant to help their patients, but I don’t think anyone’s hiding except health care providers that have issues. The costs are from people who can’t keep their hands out of the cookie jar, and I think random drug tests would solve that problem.
February 25th, 2009 at 2:21 am
Thanks for sharing your story. Congratulations on your sobriety and your passion for changing the way this disease is perceived and treated (or mistreated). My experience was similar to yours with the exception of me getting my license back. The stigma associated with this disease prevents impaired nurses as well as any other addict from seeking help. It’s exactly why I became an advocate for impaired nurses. I wish you all the success in the world!
February 25th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Congratulations maybe your story will give me hope. My situation is a little differnt and i dont know what to do. back in 02 while dispensing meds my rn supervisor accidently gave wrong med to wrong pt. he died. I was charged with misdimeanor because i knew of the error but because i didnt call md eventhough it wasnt my mistake i was charged. currently excluded from medicare/medical for another 2 years. currently on probation with the boards for one more year. im supposed to work for at least 6 months but cant because of exclusion list and couldnt find place to hire me. I dont know what to do. How do you request to meet with the nursing boards. I was told by my probationer i wouldnt have any luck if i tried. Im running out of time and im desparate. I feel like everything is going against me. I worked so hard for my license. Anybody in the same situation and know where i could volunteer for six months as an RN? Every place ive tried doesnt even give me the time of day.
February 25th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
While I am happy that you are clean, I think you are very very wrong. Your attitude suggests ‘entitlement’ and anger because the hospital didn’t care for you. Well, guess what-you didn’t do YOUR part.
You worked inpaired and could have harmed patients and employees. You didn’t ‘recognize’ your illness and seek help until someone caught you. You needed a ‘wake up’ call and you got it….you are responsible for your actions from the first moment you chose to take a drug to the moment you first chose to divert to the moment you chose to continue behavior you knew was wrong and potentially a danger to patients.
Insulin dependent diabetics don’t choose to have the disease, may have problems in spite of making responsible choices, and rarely deny they have a medical condition. Further, they rarely steal insulin on the job.
While addiction does have a strong genetic and medical component, the choice to act on the addiction is a CHOICE. And no nurse who makes that choice should whine about what the hospital or anyone else should have done.
So they kicked you out of the hospital and you could have died?? Really? And what about the patients who could have died because you were impaired on the job?
So buck up, grow up, and take responsibility for your choices. Until you do, you will never be fully recovered. Believe me, I know first hand.
February 26th, 2009 at 3:17 am
Anne:
Its very evident from your reply that your very uneducated related to the disease of addiction. No one chooses to make that desicion and after a certain point the choice is no longer yours.
We as healhcare professionals is where patients come to receive the support and direction in what to do when they want to get help or even in situations where they may not be open to help but instead of ridicule and telling a patient to “grow up” is the exact kind of nonscene that is both inappropriate and judgemental, but only you suffer from that kind of uncompassionate viewpoint, and once again my point about addiction being a moral deficiency and treated as such is what needs to change.
I repaid my debt to society, went to jail for 18 months and now am working towards my grad degree. I have also regained the priviedge to practice nursing again. I can only hope that your fabulously compassionate attitude and outlook improves. Maybe you should put yourself in the shoes of a fellow addict nurse. Addiction and alcoholism more than parallels alcohol and drug addiction within the general population. If anything, you should encourage the best for ALL who suffer.
February 26th, 2009 at 3:27 am
Bonnie,
Thank you for your comments. I am wondering when a nurse is caught diverting meds, do you hear about it…and please don’t think that it does’nt happen in your facility because it does. Whens the last time there was an inservice on the presence of alcoholism and drug addiction within your facility or how much education did recieve while in nursing school about a disease that is ravageing the ranks of nursing all over the nation. Health Practitioners Intervention Program recently documented the astronomical number of facilities that were not interested in an education session bringing this issue to the forefront. And what about your patients. How do you treat them. Alcohol and drug addiction is an occupational hazard that too many of you are in denial about. Its sad and the saddest part is not so much the way you treat your colleages but your patients. But I guess some feel they are above it…..it could happen to anyone if the genetics are there.
February 26th, 2009 at 3:37 am
Anne,
The scariest part of your comments is that they are coming from a nursing professor who is perpetuating the continued cycle of denial and misinformation about addiction and what an occupational hazard it really is. Telling addicts to “Buck Up” is not what addiction is even about. I would encourage you to do some research on addiction, especially within our profession, how it happens and why.
February 26th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
I am sorry but I agree with Anne….being an addict is a choice. You make that choice the first time you use. It is time for this country (and others) to place the blame where it belongs. On the addict.
You cannot compare apples and oranges (diabetes with drug addiction). I am glad that you have recovered but part of recovery is accepting responsiblity and it does not sound like you have fully done this yet. And please don’t tell me to do any research about addiction. I have lived with it in my family my entire life and I still think the blame lies with the addict not with the institution. Should we blame the grocery store for obesity!
February 26th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Nurses and docs that demonstrate such a lack of self control have no business in the field. It is just too hard to lose a license and too easy to get one back.
February 26th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
As I am sure Dede would agree….being an addict is never a choice. Before you make such comments you should do some research on addiction and alcoholism, which I am sure none of you have done. Go sit in a couple AA meetings and listen to the number of people who have “choosen”…as you have put it, to destroy their lives. But my purpose is not to convince people such as yourselves whether addiction is a disease or one of self control, my purpose is to help those who struggle with the disease of addiction and face biases with courage and the belief that people with addiction deserve a second chance, because they do.
February 26th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Okay Leslie I am sure you are the expert here since you are the addict….but the first time you picked up that pill or that syringe you made a choice. Pick it up, don’t pick it up. You picked it up….you became an addict….I didn’t pick it up….I didn’t become an addict. That is what addiction is. Yes we all know how much you struggled but it was your choice to become addicted. I didn’t force you. Nor did the hospital that fired you. I am proud of you for kicking the addiction but you have yet to accept responsibility for it.
February 27th, 2009 at 2:41 am
I suppose it depends on the state you’re in when you go through school, but in Oklahoma they’re really big on addressing the addiction thing with nursing students. Our state board of nursing requires all students to attend disciplinary hearings of nurses (not just about drug use, but at least one of those cases always comes up). We learn how easy it is in that environment to become a user, and that most addictions generally start out harmlessly when a nurse has a surgery or something and is prescribed pain medications, and how it can get out of control. I’m sure everyone who has commented here understands how addictions work, that after a point you don’t really have a choice anymore. But that’s the main thing “AFTER A POINT” which means, there is a time in there that what addicts do is a choice. And anyone who has know an addict personally (drug addict, gambling addict, etc.) knows that the addict doesn’t have a chance to recover until they are honest with themselves that what they are doing is wrong, and that they can change the choices they make. We’re not saying it’s easy, but addicts still have to be able to take responsibility for their actions.
February 27th, 2009 at 2:52 am
Thanks for sharing…
Addicts..recover..or die…
Personally, I hear all the hard work you have done and will continue to do…I ask myself, would I want you taking care of me?
Yes, we are all human, yes we do all make mistakes however YOU knew what YOU were doing and YOU made that choice…
I know alot of nurses that CHOSE to go down that wrong path and that was THEIR choice!
Tough situation..wish you the best…
February 27th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Leslie:
Firstly, I’m wondering why you wrote this post to begin with, because as most of us have responded with our opinions that are contrary to yours, we have been attacked for our comments, and on a personal level in some cases. I guess I don’t know why you are surprised. We’re not haters, we are compassionate care givers, and we worry for the sake of our patients, our selves and the institutions we all work at.
Secondly, I am sympathetic to any one who has a disease, that’s why I’m in the field. I just don’t think that an addict needs to be in that arena. Would you think an alcoholic needs to be a bar tender? Does someone who is clinically obese need to work in a McDonald’s? I know that’s simplifying the problem, but your just not going to get most people to agree with you on this.
There are other jobs, better suited to someone who is a recovering addict, and I feel sorry for you, I hope it works out, really.
May 7th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
What I find strange (and dangerous) is the author’s willingness, or need, to refute those who disagree. Those of us in recovery understand that this kind of resentment can be dangerous. In a worst case, one may return to substance abuse. At the very least, it will diminish her ability to help others, which is the true gift of recovery.
May 11th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
for the person who says go to aa meetings and listen to those who “have chosen to destroy their life…”… I am sorry , but we have a serious lack of personal responsibility in our society. Using drugs is a personal choice. Maybe you later lost control of it … but personally thats why i wont start using drugs in the first place, because I will loose control of it and its generally a loser thing to start doing . MY CHOICE that I made . Maybe …. we should just feel sorry for everyone that is only a product of their environment or genetics : rapists, child molesters , violent crime commiters all of these have been shown to have genetic components …obesity is a “disease” beyond your own control .. WAH your job didnt help you just kicked you out. I would have said- dont let the door hit u on the ass on the way out. Poor patients – drug diverters are stealing from them
May 11th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Leslie,
I think it is great that you are recovering. There may have been extenuating circumstances as to why you did what you did and that is not my place to judge. I have been around addicts before and I have seen their struggle to stop drugs and sometimes it takes an intervention to stop the abuse. I do think the hospital should have at least offered help for you. I am glad you got your license back because I have heard of nurses who never did.
I think that as long as you are honest with yourself and accept the fact that once an addict always an addict you can move forward. I know that may be difficult to hear but it is true. That is not to say that you will ever relapse.
There is a Christian Recovery program that I have seen help a lot of people. It is called Celebrate Recovery and it uses the same 12 step principles but in a Christian format.
I do wish you the very best on your new career and keep on moving forward.
September 12th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
Wow…some of the comments made are the exact reasons I remained anonymous about being in AA at my job. I am a nurse and just responded to Dede post. I am now facing 2 felony charges for I guess the correct term is diverting a drug. I have had 2 yrs. of sobriety and when I started drinkng at the age of 16 along with all my other high school friends on weekends at parties and yes it was a choice I made then…soon it became the only coping skill I had. I grew up not learning or even being aware of any other way to cope. And I am not blaming my parents for my disease even though my father is a raging violent alcoholic.
Circumstances happened in my life and drinking remained my only way to cope therein beginning a viscous cycle of shame, guilt, hopelessness and despair. And how do I cope with all these feelings that I don’t know why I have? You got it…I drink. Drinking was my solution to all my problems and it was not a choice any longer.
A informative and useful reference in nursing schools would be the first 164 pages of the basic text book of Alcoholics Anonymous, more commonly known in the AA fellowship as the “big book”. The 1st chapter is called, “The doctor’s opinion” basically explains the action of alcohol on chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy. A mental obsession coupled with a phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it…problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve.
A physical allergy, mental obsession and phenomenon of craving…whether genetics plays a part or just innocent drinking quietly developing in your body and mind to full blown alcoholism. Once the manifestation of the allergy has developed it can never be eradicated. Total abstinence was the only relief. That is where the debates could arrise. And honestly AA is quite amazing if you really think about the history of how it can to be… one alcoholic helping another, sharing experience, strength and hope. Of course taking my only coping skill I believe is normal away has to be replaced with healthy coping skills and that is where AA becomes essential to sobriety. And I do believe that once you have been given this priceless gift of recovery and you completely surrender to alcohol then you do have choices once again in life. In AA they say the only step of the 12 steps you have to do 100% is step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanagable. This disease is the only disease that tells our body we don’t have a disease. The big book classifies differant types of alcoholics. I could go on but I have homework to do. This has been helpful for me in my sobriety.
Back to my recent divertion of a drug, it started out as a valid RX for a fractured mandible. And just like that everything explained above happened to me and yes I chose to take the drugs and that leads me to my last comment. This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. My dream was to be a nurse and raise my kids in a safe, healthy home unlike what I had as a kid…I achieved that dream and my thinking took it away. My sickness, illness, disease once again returned and I am learning yet more about this disease and how patient it can be…it lays dormant in my body it never goes away.
I truly believe in AA, one drunk helping another…and if you don’t suffer from this disease, god bless you and if you do suffer from this disease, god bless you.
The highest result of education is Tolerance.
- Helen Keller
September 17th, 2009 at 1:47 am
Leslie,
You sound so intelligent, so bright. I know you have a lot to offer, keep going. Keep moving foreward.
Simone
October 7th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
Leslie
I’ve read through all the ill informed and frankly ignorant comments. The lack of compassion and empathy is appalling, and this is coming from a pretty hardboiled ER nurse. Keep your chin up and walk proud — you’ve done well.
Cheers
Mike
October 14th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
LESLIE I AM GOING THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILAR IM A LPN UNDER SUSPENSION IN OHIO IS THERE ANYWAY I COULD EMAIL YOU OR YOU EMAIL ME INEED SOME ADVICE SUPPORT SUGGESTIONS MY EMAIL IS PRETTYLITESKIN00@GMAIL.COM PEOPLE KEEPS TELLING ME I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO WORK AGAIN ITS A VERY HURTING THING
June 10th, 2010 at 1:50 am
Thanks for sharing…you are absolutely right…..nurses are the first ones to judge you once something like this happens….you would think that your co-workers that you befriended at work will call and ask how you are doing or hold your hand or just see how you are doing, but instead, they are too busy talking about how you messed up…..I was in the same boat you were, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me…I no longer have to hide my addiction, I have my family back, and my nursing license is intact…I am working on my recovery one day at a time…God had a plan for me…..And he will never give me anything that I cannot handle……Good luck on your endeavor!!! I will be praying for you
July 7th, 2010 at 6:40 pm
This is slightly after the fact, however…to those nurses refusing to “be a friend”.
A “friend” of mine was diverting drugs and was also an alcoholic. Well, she wasn’t a good friend, but an associate and we occasionally went out with a group for activities. Didn’t know her enough to realize there was a problem…she was just one of the gang at work.
When she was caught, she phoned me from her hospital bed (she OD’D) and asked me to tell them that the drugs were actually mine (valium). With disbelief, I said an emphatic NO but was hauled in anyway to the Dean of Nursing’s office and asked many questions and then had to sign an affidavit of what happened and what I knew etc.
Some friend. No wonder no one wants to get involved. Maybe try for the sympathies of your professional…but leave me out of it. I have MY license to worry about and the moment YOU jeopardize that ….is the moment I stop caring.
I actually DO care for my patients …and until YOU are a patient of MINE….you can find your own support system.
July 14th, 2010 at 5:17 pm
I,m an RN with 18 years experience, 10 years in ER and 8 year in oncology clinic. I had been prescribed hydrocodone years ago for hip & knee pain. Years later, I experienced very intense family stressors. I remembered how the hydrocodone let me feel disonnected from my problems. Since I was now working in a very stressful cancer clinic, working a lot of overtime jut to make contact with patients afterhours to report results of diagnostic tests, I left no time to take care of me. I thought temporary us of hydrocodone would at least get me through the temporary family stress. The temporary stress lasted 2 years. Actually, the 2 years weren’t the issue, it was that 1st pill I took that took to hell. Taking pills to change the way I feel and obsessing how to get more is the definition of addiction. I soon found I was having withdrawal symptoms when I tried to stop. I also knew the devastation waiting for me if I asked for help. It took three years before I was found out, and thank God I was found out. By this time I was calling in prescriptions for myself just to avoid withdrawal symptoms. I had withdrawn from my family, never spent time with my husband, always made excuses not to talk to my sisters when they called. My kids were old enough that they didn’t spend much time with me, however, I was emotionally incapable of being a mother. The shame, guilt, and self hatred kept me isolated. I was no longer feeling the effects of the pills, just staving off withdrawal symptoms. When my supervisor confronted me after she received a call from a pharmacy trying to verify the latest RX I had called in, I admitted everything to her. This was the worst thing I could imagine, and it was God doing for myself what I could not do for myself. I knew that I would loose my job and have to relinquish my license, and the respect and trust of the nurses and physicians I had worked for the last 8 years, not to mention the respect and trust of my family members.
I entered Detox the next day, spent 7 days in a lock down detox facility in a hospital, then went to a 28 day rehab program voluntarily.
The second day in rehab, I was visited by a police dectective. He seemed compassionate, stated he just wanted me to get better, but he needed to know about how I had gotten the pills(hydrocodone) He said honesty would help me, but if I refused to talk and got a lawyer to fight him, he would charge me with every Rx I had called in over the last three years. I was relieved to tell him everything. He said that 2 or 3 or 4 charges would be processed, and that I would have to go to court, but that he would speak to the DA and he felt sure that all the charges would be consolidated into one, and probably reduced or dismissed due to my co-operation. This did not happen. When I completed 28 days in rehab, I started aftercare and was attending NA twelve step meetings daily. I called the dectective and arranged to turn myself in, so they would not have to come to my house and arrest me. As it turned out, I was charged with 10 counts of felonious obtaining heroin or opium by fraud ( the drug I took was hydrocodone) and 4 counts of trafficking heroin or opium ( I never touched heroin or opium, but because hydrocodone is synthetic opium, ie:opiod, they could charge for heroin or opium) I never sold any pills. I wasn’t going to share the pills that helped me and then became my master. The DA said the amount of pills I had constituted trafficking. They never found any pills on me or at my home……..I took them all. Taking 1 or 2 pils every 4-6 hours, I used 100 pills every 2-3 weeks.
Although the NC BON is working with me in their chemical dependency program, it will be six months before I can request a hearing to receive a provisional license. However the District Attorney had offered to drop trafficking charges if I plead quilty to all 10 felony charges of obtaining controlled substance by fraud, with each charge to run consecutively. No consolidation of any remaining charges.I did not traffick any drugs, no drugs were confiscated. I cant’s be sure, but I believe I can get same of better deal from the judge, so I have decided not to accept the DA’s plea deal.
My goal today is to accept what the court decides is fair punishment. I know that when I took that first pill, I opened the door for the monster to come in. I’ve also learned that I can choose to make love to the gorilla, but I’m not thorough until the gorilla says I am through.
My trust in the legal system has suffered. One of my friends in NA has told me that when he has trust issues with any person or situation, that means he has trust with God. This speaks to me. Another NA friend told me that I am exactly where I need to be right now.
I am working on acceptance. I love nursing and am an excellent nurse. Aren’t most nurse addicts overachievers? More compassionate because we have had pain in throughout our lives, so we worked extra hard to relieve our patient’s pain.
I have 5 months clean and would love to be able to be employed in nursing again, but not where meds are available. I have considered RN case manager with insurance co. If I do end up with felony convictions, I know reemployment as RN will be extremely challenging to obtain, maybe impossible. I and working on the possibility that I may need to be exploring other options for careers, as much as that hurts now. I need to accept my higher power’s (whom I choose to call God) will for by life.
Staying focused on my recovery and living in the present and keeping in touch with my spiritual power is what I am doing today. Afterall, I am exactly where I need to be right now.
Love and hugs and prayers to all alcholics and addict who are in recovery, and those who haven’t received the choice for recovery, and to all the babies born into addiction through no fault of there own…….Amen.
PS…….
Zula, I am sorry and embarrassed that your co-worker actually got you investigated for what was her responsibility. Sometimes it takes time to accept our own actions. No excuse for involving you. I pray she can get into recovery. I pray for you also, Try to forgive her, for your peace of mind, not hers.