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A Post I Wrote A Year Ago

User: cheezesandwich (2925)
Name: B S
September 22, 2007

I am drained. Mentally, physically, emotionally, psychologically. One month at the PICU, and I tell you, I am sooooo tired. It's the kind that keeps you up all night. And when you do finally get to sleep, you end up waking up from a disturbing dream. You smile and joke the whole day at work, but subconsciously you're bleeding from the gut. And there are no sutures to keep the wound closed, because really there is no time for that. There is no time to wallow in pain and grief for the patient you just lost, because another poor sick kid wheeled in from the ER is coming to the picu. There is only time to gulp back down the lump in your throat and blink away the tears. The heart has to stay intact because if it doesn't, everything else will breakdown. Sometimes I wish I could just not show up at work, to not even bother to call the office, to just not show up. But I know I can't, and I won't. Because they need someone to be there for them. Someone to wipe away the mix of fresh and crusted blood from their young skin, someone to remove the tubes from their mouth, someone to wrap them up comfortably, someone to help their parents through the whole legal process of death because they are too emotionally shaken to do it entirely by themselves. They need someone who cares. Even if it hurts. Showing up and being there for these kids is the least we could do. There's only one place that they could go to after this life... and that's heaven. They'll be safe there. But for the ones they've left behind in this life... I cannot even bear to think of the hell they'll be going through.

Two kids died today. And our chihuahua pup died early this morning too. I need a break. Parents and family need a break from the pain. Let me, at least, see one kid make it this time. Please.


September, our picu's "Dengue Month" last year, left us all emotionally, physically, and mentally drained. I was browsing through my past posts in my online journal, just you know, wanted to see my thoughts in the past, how certain experiences affected me to the point of me typing away at the end of the day.. and I found this one in particular. It's almost September again, and me and the guys at work are planning to make a tribute for those kids we've lost a year ago, and to celebrate the miracles of those who made it.

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