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genral help, support, advice needed

Hi! Thank you to all who are taking the time to read this summary of questions, confusion and fear that overload my brain on a daily basis. I realize there are much more important things to be doing in your life than to be reading this darn diary from a stanger's life. Maybe it will help someone feel better about their own predicimant. Maybe someone can give me insight that I am clearly missing in my day to day life. SO, here goes my shortened honest real life nursing career. I am thankful to be willing to be real with myself and now to be real with this community even though identity is concealed. I GRADUATED FROM A TOP COLLEGE OF NURSING IN EARLY 04. HAD A JOB LINED UP AS AN ACUTE CARE RN AT A NICE HOSPITAL W STAFF THAT WAS LIKE FAMILY TO ME. I DIDN'T DRINK OR USE DRUGS DURING SCHOOL OR AFTER UNTIL I TRIED VICODIN. I DID KNOW PPL BECAME ADDICTED TO THEM BUT NEVER SAUGHT OUT HOW IT OCCURRED. EITHER WAY. AFTER A YEAR OF USING RECREATIONALLY, I WAS ABLE TO OBTAIN OXYCOTIN FROM A FRIEND. I DECIDED TO TRY IT AND SOMEWHERE BETWEEN THAT TIME, I WAS HOOKED. I WORKED DAY SHIFT AND THE NT NURSES WOULD LEAVE OPIATES OUT IN THE BACK MED RM. I STARTED TO POCKET THEM TO SAVE TO DO WITH MY COUSIN. OF COURSE MY DIVERSION GOT WORSE AND EVENTUALLY A NURSE WHO WAS MY PRECEPTOR AND FRIEND CAME TO ME W INFO REGARDING THE NARC COUNTS. ALTHOUGH I WAS NOT TAKING FROM PTS, SHE NOTICIED MY BEHAVIOR CHANGE. I COULD WORK FOR HRS ON THOSE MEDS BUT EVENTUALLY GOT CRABBY WHEN MY TOLERANCE GREW. I ADMITTED TO HER, ANOTHER NURSE, HR AND MANY OTHERS WHAT HAPPENED. CALLED THE PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR IMPAIRED PROFESSIONALS IN MY STATE AND BECAME PART OF THE THE PROGRAM. I TOOK ODD JOBS. NEVER ABLE TO KEEP ONE VERY LONG DUE TO MY OWN BAD CHOICES W RELATIONSHIPS. I WAS ON SUBOXONE AND AN ANTI DEPRESSANT. EVENTUALLY GOT TO A POINT WHERE I RELAPSED AFTER AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP ENDED AND A DIFFICULT ROLE WAS DEBILITATING MY SENSE OF SELF(MY MOTHER A SEVERE ALCOHOLIC HAD A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJ). SHE WAS KICKED OUT OF HER NURSING HOME FOR FINDING A A WAY TO GET BENZOS. SHE COULD NOT QUALIFY FOR SERVICES DUE TO HER YOUNG AGE. i HAD NO SUPPORT FROM FAMILY. MY FAMILY ACCUSSED ME OF BEING A TERRIBLE ADDICT AT THAT TIME. I LOST AT LEAST 30 PLUS RELATIONSHIPS WITH FAMLY. I LOST MY 3 BFS. I BROKE UP W MY BF OF 8 YEARS. BUT I STILLED BELIEVED EVERYTHING WOULD BE OKAY. I FOUND JOBS AND IF MY MOM WAS ALRIGHT KEPT THEM. I DIDN'T WORK IN A HOSPITAL. I DID IVS ON CALL. WORKED IN CLINICS, DIALYSIS, AND VARIOUS OTHER PLACES. OF COURSE SHORT TERM. AT AGE 29 I HAD A NEW BF WHOM I BELIEVED WAS IN RECOVERY BUT WASN'T AND HE HID IT VERY WELL FROM ME. I LOVED HIM IN AND WANTED TO MAKE IT WORK. HE HELPED ME W MY MOM AND WAS VERY NICE TO ME. I BECAME PREGNANT AND WE STAYED TOGETHER FOR THE NEXT 4 YEARS. AS MY RESOURCES DRIED UP, HE STARTED DATING OTHER PPL AND LEFT ME A YR AGO. I HAVE WORKED HOME HEALTH AND PERSONAL CARE PART TIME FOR THE PAST 5 YEARS. NOW W MY SON IN SCHOOL, I AM LIVING W MY DAD AM ALONE, FEEL EXTREMELY UNCONFIDENT, AND DEPRESSED. IDK WHERE TO GO W MY CAREER. I AM LATE ALL THE TIME. I TRY TO PLEASE OTHERS BUT GET NOWHERE. I HAVE FAILED. I HAVE NO SANCTIONS ON RECORD FROM THE STATE REGARDING MY NURSING LICENSE. I JUST TOOK A CONTRACT JOB AND THEY SAY I AM SLOWER THAN MOST AT THIS POINT. SHOULD I BE A NURSE? SHOULD I GO BACK FOR MY MASTERS? I AM SO LONELY AND BROKE AND HURT. ALL THE EFFORT TO HELP MY MOM HARMED HER.SHE ENDED UP DRINKING HER WAY TO COMPLETE BRAIN DAMAGE. SHE IS NOT THE SAME PERSON. MY EX STOPPED LOVING ME OR NEVER DID AT ALL. NOW I AM MID 30S SLIGHTLY ATTRACTIVE AND VIOLENTLY SCARED AND ANGRY. HOW DO i EVEN ACT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. IDK. YRS OF ADDICTIONS AND YRS OF BEING TOLD MULT TIMES A DAY HOW ANNOYING AND DUMB I AM HAVE CHALLENGED MY CORE BELIEFS. I NEED GUIDANCE. I ALSO AM INCREDIBLY TIRED ALL THE TIME. THIS CONTRACT IS UP SOON AND i DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I WILL PROBABLY EDIT THIS MSG, BUT FOR NOW AM SENDING IT OUT. WHAT WOULD A GOOD 5 YR PLAN BE FOR ME. ANYONE FEEL THE SAME WAY AND SURVIVE???
MY MAIN PROBLEM IS W WORK IS THAT I HAVE STAYED HOME W MY SON AND NOW NEED TO ENTER NURSING AGAIN. I FIND IT MUCH MORE CHALLENGING THIS WAY THEN THE 1ST TIME. I DON'T WANT A DESK JOB AND I CAN'T KEEP DOING HOME HEALTH DUE TO WHERE I LIVE AND MY CAR'S S CONDITION. ALSO, MY ONCE PRETTY SMILE IS FADING BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO AFFORD DENTAL CARE. PLS TELL ME ITS POSSIBLE. THANK YOU.


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