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Medicating as a new nurse

Lite User
Name: Mallorie Martin

My story starts out differently than most I would think but ultimately they all end the same, getting caught and being humiliated. I always had a way of self medicating to make me feel normal. I had a loving yet difficult childhood and I never liked to show emotion or tell my true feelings. I have always wanted to be a nurse ever since I could remember. I started nursing school in 07 and right off the bat failed my first class. I know you guys know what I'm talking about when I say I've never felt more stupid in my life. Dumb people don't get in to nursing school. I just didn't know how to study to learn I think. I made it that far by memorizing for the test and made awesome grades, and now I just failed my first serious nursing class!? My parents thought I didn't care or was partying too much, which wansnt the case at all! I really tried! No one understood how nursing school was unless they had been there. So I moved on, passed that class and got all the way to semester 3 out of 4 and failed my second class. I was out of the program. It set off a depression in me that still to this day effects me. I completely lost all of my confidence. Seeing that I had no other choice with all my student loans, I had to reapply to school. They made me sit out for 2 semesters but I got back in. I had to start from square one. It seemed like I would never be a nurse. After studying my butt off for two years straight and self medicating to get through I finally graduated in may of 2011. I started working at the best hospital in the area and soon found myself self medicating to get through the stress of being a new nurse on a busy icu step-down floor. I would take out narcotics and chart I gave them when I didn't, take out more than I needed, or didn't waste when I had extra. I wasn't stupid, I knew I would get caught. But like some of you, the better part of my brain knew it had to do something to get caught and end this problem. I wanted help but I wasn't about to admit to anyone I had this problem when I had kept it a secret from every single person who loved me, even my husband. When I finally did get caught in feb of 2012, the day before my 25th birthday, it was almost a relief. Don't get me wrong it was the most humilliating thing I've ever been through, but at least it wasn't all on me now, it was out in the open and I could ask for help. My husband was in shock, he didn't understand why I didn't come to him for help. I didnt have a good answer except that fact that I was embarrassed and I knew it would be hard emotionally. It's been a week now since I told him and it has been the absolute longest week of my life. We are both terrified about money and how were going to make it without my paycheck. We just upgraded everything when I started working and now what? He can't understand that if I knew I was going to get caught eventually, then why would I agree to get a new car or new furniture? I feel like the most selfish person on the planet. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. Thanks to every person who took the time to read my story. I hope to hear some advice and words of wisdom. I have started the process of going through my states alternative to discipline program and I know I'm gonna need some encouragement.

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2 Responses to “Medicating as a new nurse”

  1. seekndstry Says:

    I am a recovering addict, with 3 yrs clean time. I understand your pain and how hard it is to talk to those closest to you. My husband still doesnt understand why I would take any drugs or what you go thru with an addiction. He is more tolerant of the steps I have to take to keep in my program. He at first even tried to prevent me from going to an inpatient program, but then came to every visting day, talked to counselors and took me to meetings. So try to be honest with your husband, get him involved in your recovery and let him know you really want to change. I know money is a big issue, and sometimes changes have to be made in your standard of living. Do whatever you have to do to get clean, do what ya gotta for the state. Its gonna be hard, find support groups, you will need them. There are alot of options, much more than I had 20 yrs ago when I first got caught. Currently I have just started the process of attempting to reinstate my license after surrendering it 10 yrs ago, and I know its gonna be a fight, but whatever happens, happens. So good luck in your recovery.

  2. laila Says:

    I can RELATE to U 100%….although I didn’t get licensed yet; I found myself in deep trouble march 2011; a day I will never forget b/c it has changed me forever.I got dismissed from nursing school due to 2 C- in nursing classes; and had to wait a semester to get back into the program while meeting w/the dean and writing 5 papers that contained a “plan of action”….. meanwhile I kept this from my parents; but not my brother or bf. I self medicated as well for a years; at the age of 20 I started…. while attending school; working; studying and trying to keep up w/everythng I was a functioning addict. Kept it to my self n felt awful about it daily. Although I didn’t hve a license at the time I was working at a PCP ofc and rx myself meds w/doc scripts-tslk about the dumbest thing ever. I knew I would get caught no doubt; n I put all the hard work on the line….. needless to say I did graduate but almost lost it all. After going thru all the court stuff-n going thru diversion the charges were dropped and I still was able to take the NClex; but I had to wait 6 months after graduation to take the test b/c my charges would of been pending on the background check. Feb 2012 I got licensed but still afraid to apply to hosp at this time-it will take 2yrs for my arrest rcd to be expunged…..its been a crazy ride but I’m in a much better place today than ive ever been.there will b times when U just think what if I wont make it through this and get my license then what? But everything will he ok… all things happen for a reason & every1 gets s 2nd chance if u truly want it. I empathize w/U; when I read ur story ; I couldn’t believe it; I’m not the only one….WE are humans…. addiction doesnt discriminate at all. Best of luck;take it a day at a time……this happened to me when I was 26.. if U have questions or need some encouragement; I’m here. Your not alone!!!

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