Poop and mental confusion: Those are the common denominators in the stories you shared with us.
As I read through all the entries, I realized what a quirky profession we are in. We see people in their rawest form. Sometimes it makes us recoil. Sometimes it makes us sad. Sometimes it makes us pee in our pants in laughter. This is one of the best parts of the job.
I thought back on my own "funniest stories," and I chuckled out loud as I realized that they, too, were about poop and mental confusion. The first I have shared with you before. It involved a little old lady in Bed A with diarrhea and a little old lady in Bed B who was deaf and complained about the smell in a VERY loud voice. The part that makes me smile the most, though, is the nursing student caring for Bed B who had her head hanging out the hospital room window convulsing with dry heaves...that would be me. Fortunately, I've toughened up since then.
The second story is about a patient with Alzheimer's. I roomed her, and as we walked in she hung her sweater on the back of the exam room door. She turned to get up on the table, and when she was facing the door again, she exclaimed, "There's my sweater! I've been looking all over for that." Her sheer delight at finding it made me laugh.
I think of that story often now as my own mom is suffering with Alzheimer's. What was once funny is now poignant. It just proves that almost all of life is filled with common experiences. Maybe that's what makes all these stories so funny. We can all relate in one way or another.
Let me share with you "The Funniest" nursing story from our contest. It's one of those raw human stories that makes us pray we die before we lose our own filters. I'm sure it will make you laugh just like it did us.
I am currently a nursing student and working as a CNA as I go through nursing school. I work in an assisted living facility. One day I was getting an older resident out of bed and trying to talk her into a shower, because she had to be ready to go to church with her son. After some begging, she said she was going to get up and shower.
The shower was located down the hall from her room so I told her that I was going to the shower room and get it ready and for her to meet me in there. After about 10 minutes of waiting I figured I better go check to see if she was coming. Sure enough, she was halfway down the hallway stark naked!!
I was shocked and ran to get a towel to cover her up. But she just refused and said, “Honey, I’m gassy and it is best I air out before the shower.” I couldn’t help but laugh and continue to try to cover her as we made it to the shower room.
--Heather
I also want to share the story of the nurse who won the $150 spa gift card. The story was randomly selected, but it was also at the top of our "funniest list." Again, it shows us we're each just a few filters away from being the highlight of some poor nurse's day.
In high school I started working as a CNA in a nursing home to decide if I wanted to pursue a career in nursing. One of my very first orientation days, the worker I was following was helping me get a female resident with Alzheimer’s ready for bed. After taking off the woman’s shirt, I removed her bra. The confused woman looked down at her breasts and stated, “Hmm, what are these?”
Then she grasped a breast in each hand, pointed them forward, and proceeded to make machine gun sounds and rotating her torso back and forth like she was shooting up the room!
I had quite the time trying to put her pajamas on because I was laughing so hard. The other worker fell on the ground laughing. I figured that was such a hilarious moment that going into nursing would be pretty fun!
--Brienne
We had so much fun reading all your contributions that we've decided to add a new category to RealityRN.com: Funniest Nursing Stories. Heaven knows we can all use a good laugh now and then. Look for the new heading and start thinking of what you can contribute. I can't wait!
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October 1st, 2008 at 2:01 am
While working in Triage in the ED a patient came in an asked if we gave the rabies vaccine. Apparantely, he’d hit a racoon with his car and when he saw that the animal wasn’t breathing, he gave him mouth to mouth to try to revive him. The animal did not revive.
October 1st, 2008 at 2:06 am
While triaging a female patient in the ED she described her symptoms as nausea, vomiting and an achey stomach, “you know, my testicles hurt.” The charting was written ver batam.
October 1st, 2008 at 2:11 am
Again in triage: a man brought in his 3 beautiful daughters, ranging in ages from 6 months to 6 years old, who had all been ill for a few days. Mom had taken the baby back to a room and I questioned Dad as to the birthdates of his daughters. He couldn’t recall thier birthdates but stated, “can you look on the back of my head (he was bald), I have all of their birthdates and names tatooed on my scalp.” Sure enough, he did.
October 1st, 2008 at 8:47 am
Working on Med-Surg floor, approx. 2o plus
yrs ago. Ofcourse then I was in nursing dress and support hose, and regular leather nursing shoes. I was at a pt’s bedside. As I began to change my pts colostomy bag, the bag was full (of-course), I set the full bag next to pts thigh and the pt. decided that was a good time to move his thigh. Needless to say the bag tipped spilling the CONTENT over the edge of the bed down my dress, support hose and into my shoe. If that wasn’t enough the surgeon walked in saw my situation turned and walked out. You could hear him convulsing in laughter all the way down the hall. For some time everytime the Dr. saw me he always had a smile and just would nod his head. I have never forgotten that moment.
October 1st, 2008 at 11:42 pm
I am a former Navy Nurse, and besides patient care, our other main duty is training corpsmen. I knew we had our work cut out for us with one young man. One of our patients was having a diabetic crisis, and as my corpsman and I were attending to the man, an Intern ran in and questioned, “Any change?” The corpsman stood up, put his hands in his pockets, and blurted, “No, sir! I don’t have a penny on me!” The Intern and I looked at each other and said, “What?” then burst out laughing. I felt like I was on the scene of a Leslie Nielsen flick! Fortunately the patient recovered in spite of us!
October 5th, 2008 at 10:16 am
Many years ago <10, I had rushed to the nearest empty room with a mirror to put on my lipstick and blush ( which was actually lipstick). In haste the Dr. needed something I rush to his aid. Not until my co worker told me to go and look in the mirror did i realize that I looked like BoZo. I forgot to rub the little circle of color into my cheeks. That Dr had just looked at me and went on about what he need to tell me . my co worker and I cracked up later with laughter.
October 12th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
I was orienting a young new nurse. One of our elderly patients couldn’t urinate and required catheterizaion. My orientee explained the procedure to the patient as I stood by. The patient interrupted, stating that his wife had been dead for quite a while. She continued with her explanation and he interrupted again, stating it had been a ‘long time’, but he had been in Vegas and what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. My orientee looked at me puzzled. At that point, I was wondering exactly what the patient thought we were going to do. Orientee starts preparing for the procedure and patient laments at the size of his organ….then as she held his penis to clean him, he stated…. ‘Be gentle’ in a very soft voice. At that point, I had to walk away to hide the laughter. My orientee didn’t skip a beat and proceeded with the catheteriztion… she was great.
October 12th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I was at work one morning and one of our urologists (RIP) asked me if he could use my Pen……….I told him sure and handed it to him. Then I told him to be careful because there was BM all over it. He called me a little shit when he realized that it was my initials and not actual bowel movement…….:)
October 20th, 2008 at 7:58 am
One evening while I was working my usual shift at the local nursing home my resident was antsy after supper. Well known to staff that he liked to play his harmonica one CNA went to get it. When she came back to give it to him she stated, “Why don’t you play us Yankee Doodle Dandy?” At that point he put his hand up and said, “I don’t take requests!” Everyone was laughting, the resident then stated, “Well I can’t play this thing if your going to be so loud”.
October 20th, 2008 at 9:20 am
Early in my nursing career I had a patient in the Neuro ICU. He was just waking up from brain surgery and starting repeating everything he heard outside his doorway. That same night we also had a patient next door having a colonoscopy with little to no sedation. Well the mix of these two were hilarious. The colonoscopy patient would shout….”oh hell” and then my patient would repeat it with eyes closed and everything. Then the other patient would say….”m*ther f*cker!” and my patient would repeat it. Being the good nurse I was, I need to get other peers in the room to watch this phenomenon. Next thing we know, we are shouting out phrases and watching him repeat us. Well, early that next morning he finally woke up and opened his eyes. He asked repeatedly if anyone came to visit him after surgery. I explained that it was just us all night. I finally asked who he was expecting? He said, “all the sisters in my parish”. I asked, “are you a priest”? He explained that he was in much detail. I wanted to fall to my knees at that point and ask for forgiveness. And I’m Lutheran. The things we made him say, I will never repeat, but I hope that he never finds out. I will never do that again, or will I.
October 20th, 2008 at 10:49 am
I was assisting the anesthesiologist putting a male patient to sleep for his surgery, and standing right next to the patient holding the oxygen mask, while he was pushing drugs to anesthesize the patient. As an operating room nurse, I was reassuring this patient that we would be with him throughout the surgery, and that we would take good care of him.
I felt something on my behind, and looked around, and as the patient was falling asleep..he was patting my tush! Men..they NEVER change!
October 21st, 2008 at 4:00 am
Embarrassing the kids…
Everyone liked Greg. It wasn’t because he was especially kind or especially generous, although that is not to say that he wasn’t either of those. He was just a normal teenager who loved to laugh and loved to make those around him laugh. His favorite trick was to take out his false eye and scare the girls or impress the boys.
“Give it back” I overheard Greg say to the other boys at his table. I was sitting with my wife a few tables away and my ears perked up. “Come on guys, give me back my eyeball” I looked over at the table and saw Greg make a grab towards the kid on his left. It bothered me to think that Greg was being made fun of, especially since his false eye made him an easy target for vindictive teenagers. I had the feeling that Greg didn’t really want to take his eyeball out, but he did it because by laughing along with others at himself, it helped him cope with all the attention he received. I thought I had better intervene.
“Hey guys” I called out to the lads, “Give Greg his eyeball back” Everyone at the table burst into laughter, Greg laughing the loudest. “What’s so funny? Just give him his eyeball back” I said again. Greg finally managed to catch his breath “I said I-pod, not eyeball.” I felt the blood rush to my face “You’re awfully red” one of the kids remarked. The laughter continued, my wife laughing just as hard as the rest.
October 25th, 2008 at 9:47 am
One night this woman was in labor. The doctor came in to check her. While checking her the doctor got this real quizzical look on her face. She kept examining her with the same quizzical look, like something was wrong. Finally she stops examining her and said she needed to get her colleague because she thought the baby was in a face presentation. So, she brought in her colleague and she checked her and said “Yup! It’s a face. Baby’s biting me.” So we took her back for a c-section. As they pulled the baby out, he peed all over mom. Then as the doctor handed the baby to the nurse, the momentum of her turn swung the baby’s arm so that it’s slime covered hand hit the nurse square in the face.
So we joke… this little baby was so angry about being born that he bit the doctor, peed on mom and slapped the nurse.
October 26th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
While working in a family practice office many years ago, a patient presented with vaginal warts. The doctor, seated between the legs of the patient which were up in stirrups, began applying medication with a cue tip to the area. Suddenly the patient cried out that it was burning. Immediately the doctor began “blowing” and “blowing” on the area with his face inches from her vagina. It took everything in me not to burst out laughing right there, though once out of the room I died laughing and once he realized why I was laughing he joined in. I will never get that image out of my mind.
October 28th, 2008 at 1:38 am
One of the stories reminded me of when my mother had surgery many years ago, & had a very nearly deaf roommate, who also farted very loudly, & with some frequency. The thing that made me cackle was that every time she farted, she’d say loudly “WHAT?”
October 31st, 2008 at 8:04 am
One day a man brought his son into the pediatric clinic. Apparently the 2 year old boy had been demonstrating at daycare with a crayon how his mommy checked his temp rectually. While his pants were down and the crayon was in position, another child came up behind him and slapped his hand causing the crayon to actually go all the way into his rectum! Needless to say he pooped purple for the next few days.
October 31st, 2008 at 3:21 pm
As a senior student nurse I recently had clinicals in the nursery. One of the new babies needed a diaper change, and I was happy to jump in and help. After I had cleaned his bottom I lifted his tiny legs to place a clean diaper underneath…suddenly he let out more poop with such force that it shot across the room several feet and hit the nurse manager! Her leg and papers were covered in baby poop, and so was the floor, desk, and bassinet!
November 10th, 2008 at 11:16 am
One of my first days as an infection control nurse, I had to go and investigate a report of rabies exposure in the ED. WHen I pulled th patient chart, the chief complaint was listed as “licked by a monkey”. Apparently the child had been in Bolivia for a family wedding and scraped up one of his knees. WHen the wound was still relatively fresh, a monkey allegedly came up to him and licked the wound, thereby exposing him to rabies. Our ED keeps the most interesting chief complaints posted near the desk until a new and better complaint takes its place – apparently “licked by a monkey” replaced the complaint “my head smells like candy”.
November 10th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
A lady came to the ER with complaints of vaginal pain. During the pelvic exam, she decides to THEN to tell the doctor, “while you’re there, you might find a golf ball.” And indeed the doctor could palpate a round object. Before any further questions could be made, she then said, “you might actually find two.” And once again, with further evaluation, the doctor could feel the second. He was however unable to grab hold and remove the ‘sport equipment’ – so with instructions to bear down – the patient was able to birth the two golf balls. I did my best to control my expression during the entire event. But once he had the balls in his hands I said, “Congratulations..twins.”
February 24th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
one morning on my tele unit i was going through my usual barrage of questions i have for every patient with an elderly alzhiemers patient… she began telling me about how “that thing in my spine makes my vagina spasm and clamp”…. later on i was conversing with one of the PCA’s on the unit, and asked if the patient had made a BM yet this shift… she replied that she had not. however, she did inform me that the patient had requested that she clean her peri-area “very carefully” and that afterwards, the patient had thanked her saying in a relieved voice, “thank you honey, i feel so much better now”. Dirty little old lady…. 🙂